A Parent's Guide to Smartphones and Well-being
Helping Your Teen Develop a Healthy Tech Future
In response to the findings of a study published in Pediatrics this month.
No matter where I have spoken with parents around the globe, their question is the same: "When should my child get a smartphone?" Interestingly, though, this question is asked with concern, oftentimes well after their child has gotten an iPad, or already been gaming online, or has other access to the internet. Clearly, we understand the heightened impact of having the internet in our pocket—all the time, everywhere we go. The phone is different, and the first question I encourage parents to ask themselves is: Why do I want my kid to have a phone?
I have worked with parents who do not want their child to have a phone, but feel social pressure to give them one. I have also worked with parents who want their kids to have a phone to fill their own need to be in touch with their child (sometimes inappropriately during the school day) or because they like the idea of being able to track their child's activities better.
It is a hard question, and it deserves thoughtful answers rather than reactive decisions made under pressure or convenience. So let's start with what we actually know about smartphones and child development, and then walk through strategies to support whatever decision feels right for your family.
Background
A comprehensive study published in Pediatrics this month examined data from over 10,500 children and found that smartphone ownership before age 12 is linked to 31% higher rates of depression, 62% higher odds of insufficient sleep, and 40% higher odds of obesity compared to peers without smartphones. Even more striking: among children who didn't have phones at age 12, those who received them within the following year showed worse mental health symptoms and sleep patterns than those who continued to wait.
For each year younger a child receives a smartphone, their health risks increase by about 10%. These aren't small numbers, and they deserve our attention.
But here's what's important: this isn't about blame or fear. The study's lead author, Dr. Ran Barzilay, notes that smartphones offer real benefits—connection, access to information, and convenience. The question isn't whether technology is good or bad, but how we can help our children develop a healthy relationship with it from the very beginning.
Before we dive into strategies, it's worth understanding why early smartphone ownership carries these risks—especially when many kids have already been using iPads or gaming systems. The difference is portability and constant access. A tablet that stays on the living room couch has natural boundaries. A phone that goes to school, to bed, to the bathroom, and everywhere in between has none. It's not just about screen time. It's about developmental readiness for something that never turns off. It is about building boundaries to something geared to keep you engaged.
During pre-adolescence, children's brains are still developing in critical ways. Their prefrontal cortex, the brain's executive control center responsible for emotional regulation, time management, impulse control, and rational decision-making, won't be fully developed until their mid-twenties. This means they are operating with what is essentially an underdeveloped brake system while their emotional center, the limbic system, is in overdrive, actively seeking stimulation, novelty, and immediate gratification (which can also manifest as avoidance of discomfort).
A smartphone is basically a portal to infinite stimulation, social comparison, and 24-hour availability. It is perfectly designed to hijack this developmental vulnerability. Without fully developed executive function skills, teens struggle to self-regulate their use, leading to disrupted sleep, reduced physical activity, and exposure to content they're not emotionally or cognitively ready to process.
It is crucial for parents to understand this: even though your child can read and understand things at a literal level, they do not have the full context, life experience, or neurological capacity to process information the way an adult can. They may encounter content about body image, violence, sexuality, political extremism, or tragedy and lack the framework to understand nuance, question sources, or regulate the emotional impact. This isn't a failure of intelligence or maturity; it's simply a matter of neurodevelopment. We wouldn't hand a 10-year-old the keys to a car and expect them to navigate rush hour traffic safely, no matter how well they understand the rules of the road. The same principle applies here.
Examining Your Motivation
Before you read another paragraph, I want you to pause and honestly answer that question: Why do I want my child to have a smartphone?
Your answer matters because it will shape everything that follows. If your answer is primarily about your own anxiety or convenience, that's worth acknowledging. Our children are extraordinarily perceptive, and when we give them a phone because we need to track them or text them throughout their school day, we're teaching them that our anxiety matters more than their independence and development.
If your answer is about social pressure, "all the other kids have one", that's also worth examining. Are you making a decision based on what's best for your unique child and family, or based on what other families are doing? You are the expert on your child. You know their maturity level, their struggles, and their strengths.
The most grounded reason to give a child a smartphone is this: because they are developmentally ready to manage it responsibly, and it serves a genuine purpose in supporting their growing independence.
When I say developmentally ready, I am referring to things like:
Emotional regulation: Can your child identify and express their full range of emotions? Can they transition away from enjoyable activities without melting down?
Time awareness: Do they understand how long tasks take, and can they manage their time across activities?
Social confidence: Are they secure enough in themselves to handle social media dynamics without constant validation-seeking?
Responsibility: Can they consistently follow through on basic responsibilities like homework, chores, and self-care without constant reminders?
Reading this, you may be saying to yourself, “Is anyone ready for smartphones?” I would argue, “No, we are not.” I have been in enough parent group chats to know that even mature adults struggle with regulation and confidence. The reality, though, is that phones are here and not going away, so how can parents do this in the most supportive way?
The single most evidence-backed strategy is simply waiting. There is a reason age limits were put on apps like Instagram and WhatsApp; unfortunately, they have been largely ignored and are impossible to enforce. Each year you delay smartphone ownership gives your child's brain more time to develop the regulatory skills and self-confidence they'll need to use technology wisely.
If your child is pressing for a phone, try this: explain that it's not a question of if, but when. You want to set them up for success by waiting until they're truly ready. Start with a basic or dumbphone, especially if your primary goal is family communication. Frame it as a vote of confidence in their future rather than a judgment on their present.
Seven Strategies
We know smartphones will happen, so when that moment arrives, these seven strategies can help ensure accountability and continued open communication as you and your child navigate its influence:
1. Begin with a Technology Agreement—Together
Before handing over the device, sit down with your child and create a written agreement together. This cannot be a punitive contract. It must be a collaborative plan that helps both of you understand expectations and consequences. It is meant to show your child that you trust them with responsibility, but remain the adult in charge to offer clear guidance.
Include in your agreement:
Purpose: Why is your child getting this phone? What needs will it meet?
Boundaries: When and where can it be used? When must it be put away?
Privacy: What privacy will your child have, and what oversight will you maintain?
Consequences: What happens if agreements aren't kept—for both of you?
Check-ins: When will you revisit this agreement to adjust as your child matures?
The process of creating this together is as valuable as the document itself. It invites your child into mature conversation about technology, responsibility, and family values. Their involvement in this process offers you a clear starting point that includes their voice, should the contract not be honored. This approach can be much more successful than the top-down whack-a-mole approach when parents make the rules without their child’s input.
2. Lead with Curiosity and Connection
Rather than approaching technology as something to police, treat it as something to explore together. Ask your child what they enjoy about their devices, what apps interest them, and what they find challenging. This "us together versus the challenges" approach builds trust and keeps communication open for when real problems arise.
Parents should also intentionally and regularly engage in IRL, “in real life” activities with their child, no phones, just connection. Research shows that parent-child closeness is one of the strongest predictors of healthy media habits. Children who feel emotionally connected to their parents are significantly less likely to develop problematic technology use.
Create regular opportunities to talk about what they are doing online. Asking questions is a great way to go. “What made you laugh today?” “Did you see anything confusing or upsetting?” “What are your friends talking about online?” These conversations can help to normalize discussing online life just as you would discuss school or friendships.
3. Include Tech-Free Spaces and Times
Support healthy tech use by implementing some basic rules and understandings. For example,
Keep devices out of bedrooms: Charge all phones in a common area overnight. Sleep disruption is one of the strongest links to smartphone use, and bedroom access makes healthy sleep nearly impossible. This rule also applies to parents. Model what you expect.
Create tech-free zones and times: Designate meal times, the first hour after school, and the hour before bed as device-free for the whole family. These boundaries protect the spaces where families connect and children decompress. Having nothing to do, nothing to distract, and surviving is a life skill that is being lost. Our kids need times when they are “practicing the art of doing nothing”.
Use common spaces for screen time: When devices are used in living rooms or kitchens rather than behind closed doors, it naturally encourages more balanced use and allows for spontaneous conversations about what your child is seeing online. To have this be successful, though, parents want to balance their child’s developmental need for privacy as well. Much like the bedroom door, barging in can feel violating and intrusive.
Make alternative activities accessible: Keep books, art supplies, sports equipment, and board games easily available. Families should brainstorm alternative activities everyone can do when not on their phones and have the list available. If the phone is the only easily accessible form of entertainment, it will dominate.
4. Focus on Balance, Not Perfection
The goal isn't to eliminate technology. It's to ensure it doesn't crowd out the activities that build healthy, happy children. Make sure your child has daily opportunities for:
Physical movement: At least 60 minutes of activity daily for school-age children
Face-to-face social interaction: In-person play dates, family meals, conversations
Creative pursuits: Art, music, building, imaginative play
Downtime: Unstructured moments to daydream, process emotions, and just be
Sleep: 9-12 hours for elementary-aged children, 8-10 hours for teens
If technology use is preventing these essential experiences, it's time to recalibrate. But perfection isn't the goal; some days will be more screen-heavy than others, and that's okay. What matters is the overall pattern.
5. Stay Curious About Content, Not Just Time
While the amount of screen time matters, what children do on screens matters just as much. Not all screen time is created equal. Educational apps, creative tools, video calls with distant family members, and even some gaming can offer real benefits. Endless social media scrolling, exposure to age-inappropriate content, or comparison-driven platforms do not.
Regularly check in about what your child is watching and doing online. Ask to see their favorite apps or videos. Learn about the platforms they're using. This isn't about surveillance; it's about staying connected to their digital world and being available to help them process what they encounter. This is a parent’s role: to look out for their child and keep them safe. Each family will need to find the balance that works for them between keeping their kids safe and allowing them their independence.
When you notice problematic content or concerning patterns, approach with curiosity through questions rather than criticism or lecturing. For example, "I noticed you've been watching a lot of videos about dieting. What's interesting to you about that?" This opens dialogue rather than shutting it down.
6. Model the Behavior You Want to See
Here's the hard truth: our children are watching how we use technology far more than they're listening to what we say about it. If we're constantly checking our phones during conversations, scrolling while they talk to us, or bringing devices to the dinner table, they'll do the same—no matter what rules we establish.
Take an honest inventory of your own technology habits:
Do you check your phone first thing in the morning and last thing at night?
Can you have a full conversation without glancing at your device?
Do you use your phone while driving, even at stoplights?
Do you track your child excessively throughout the day?
When you use technology, narrate your choices: "I'm just texting Aunt Sarah where to meet us," or "I need to check my work email quickly, then I'm putting this away." This teaches children that devices have purposes, not that they're portals for constant distraction.
Consider taking regular "digital detox" days as a family where everyone unplugs to play board games, cook together, or explore outdoors. These experiences build family bonds while showing children that joy and connection don't require screens.
7. Watch for Warning Signs and Stay Connected
Keep an eye out for changes that might signal problematic use: increased irritability (especially when asked to put devices away), social withdrawal, declining grades, disrupted sleep, loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities, or excessive preoccupation with devices.
If you notice these patterns, resist the urge to simply blame the phone. Instead, explore what might be driving the behavior. Sometimes, excessive screen time is a symptom of underlying anxiety, social struggles, or a lack of fulfillment in other areas of life. The phone can become a coping mechanism rather than the root problem.
Leading with curiosity and questions helps create an environment where your child feels safe coming to you with problems they encounter online, cyberbullying, confusing content, uncomfortable interactions, or mistakes they've made. Remind them often that as the parent, your goal is to help, not to punish, as everyone in the family navigates this ever-changing online world. Share your own technology struggles and mistakes to normalize the conversation.
If concerns persist despite your interventions, don't hesitate to seek support from a therapist who specializes in adolescent development and technology use.
What Matters Most
Here's perhaps the most important finding from recent research: the quality of your relationship with your child matters more than any particular technology rule. Children who feel close to their parents, who experience warmth rather than harsh criticism, and who have regular, meaningful interactions are far less likely to develop problematic technology habits.
This means that the best "strategy" might simply be prioritizing your connection with your child. Put down your own phone during conversations. Listen reflectively when they share about their day. Stay curious rather than judgmental. Create those daily moments of uninterrupted presence. When children feel seen, heard, and valued in their offline relationships, they're less likely to seek validation and connection exclusively through screens. When they trust that you'll respond with empathy rather than punishment, they'll come to you with problems instead of hiding them.
You know your child better than any study, any expert, or any other parent. Trust yourself to make the decision that's right for your family. And when you do introduce that first smartphone, do so with intention, boundaries, love, and the confidence that you're equipped to guide your child through this challenge just as you've guided them through so many others.
Your relationship is the foundation. Everything else is built on top of it.